December is the best month to practice lowering expectations, because this is the time we all hope to get our way, whether it is receiving a particular gift, having all the relatives get along without a squabble, or merely surviving the shopping/baking/traveling experience without feeling drained and stressed.
And, like every other month, some things will go wrong.
We carry around expectations for ourselves and others wherever we go. We have fixed ideas about how others should behave toward us and how they should act in the world, as well as about what we deserve.
Since no one, including ourselves, ever lives up to our expectations completely, we feel angry or disappointed. What’s the alternative to this disappointment? Trying to live without expectations and what some call “shoulds.”
We create our particular expectations and “shoulds” over the course of many years, which explains why it was almost easier to let go of my mother (who died earlier this year) than let go of making holiday cards. This week, an out-of-town guest, viewing the sheets of colored paper and pens on my desk, asked how many people sent me handmade Christmas cards. “Two,” I said, which helped me put this “should” in perspective.
I decided the first step in reducing my “shoulds” is to ask myself why it is important that I make Christmas cards. My answer? I don’t think it really is. I like making greeting cards, but one at a time, not in assembly-line fashion.
The same question could be asked about feeling that we should bake cookies, host a New Year’s party or create beautifully-wrapped gifts.
When I went through this questioning process I decided that while some “shoulds” had to go, others were fine to keep. They’re what prevent me from being completely selfish. If you feel stressed this holiday season, you should think about this advice.
Ann Oxrieder has lived in Bellevue for 35 years. She retired after 25 years as an administrator in the Bellevue School District and now blogs about retirement at http://stillalife.wordpress.com/.
