Protecting girls from bullying
The recent tragic suicide of a Massachusetts teen as the result of bullying moves me to address a subject I’ve touched on before. Relational aggression is the term for the form of bullying favored by pre-adolescent and adolescent girls.
It’s nothing new and is very common in our schools. Many of us probably still harbor at least one painful childhood memory of being teased, shunned or even harassed by “the popular girls” or someone we thought a friend. The fact that it bugs us still is testimony to how hurtful and damaging relational aggression can be. The effects can be as serious, if not more so, as physical bullying. Victims often experience anxiety, depression and problems in school. They may develop eating disorders, self-harming behaviors, or turn to sex, drugs or alcohol. They may even take their own lives. Unlike boy bullies, who tend to act in the moment, girl bullies can harbor something for months before they strike. They’re often popular, well-protected girls who are at the center of their group, manipulating them, while avoiding responsibility. More often than not, victims are friends or former friends who got on the group or the bully’s wrong side through something as minor as a perceived slight. Since the victims seldom tell and the bullies are careful about not being caught, the harassment and hurt can go on indefinitely under the radar of caring adults. Hard as it can be to spot, parents and adults have a role in preventing girl bullying. It starts with becoming aware of the problem and taking it seriously. Here are some things to look for and keep in mind: • Tune in to your daughter. Is she excluded from activities that she once attended? Is her best friend no longer calling? Ask her what she needs or wants and how you can support her. Often, victims are waiting for someone to intervene and protect them. • Engage in open and honest conversation with your teen about her friendships. Discuss with her what makes a good friend. • As a parent and role model, demonstrate kindness and healthy friendships. Don’t gossip or make fun of others, and don’t tolerate that behavior in anyone else, including your daughter. • Teach girls to stand up for themselves and their friends and to speak to school administrators if they see bullying happening. • Don’t push your child to get into the “right” group or activity. Instead, help them make friends outside of school and get involved in a variety of groups and social circles. The Eastside’s three teen centers – Ground Zero in Bellevue, the Old Firehouse in Redmond, and Kirkland Teen Union Building – all have YES counselors on site and are safe and welcoming places for young people to spend time and make friends. Patti Skelton-McGougan is Executive Director of Youth Eastside Services. Since 1968, YES has provided treatment and prevention education to Eastside kids and families to help foster healthy youth, strong families and a safe community. For information, call 425-747-4937 or go to www.youtheastsideservices.org
