Time after time, we discover that our children are more clever than we thought, surprised when they sagely comment on world affairs or make a play on words. We also know that kids feel satisfaction and self-esteem as they gain mastery of life skills.

So why is it so hard to get them to pick their coat off the floor? How do we raise children who progressively grow more capable and independent? 
1) Provide developmentally appropriate challenges.
We can’t expect 8-year olds to fix a flat tire, but we can expect them to use a screw-driver and replace the batteries in their own toys. Younger kids might not remember on their own to put their dirty clothes where they belong, but with reminders, most can carry clothes to the basket.

Every child is different. The key is to encourage your child, step by step, to take the next challenge that they can handle. 
2) Teaching children takes more time than doing it for them. 
Parents are very busy people. Often the combination of too much to do and a reluctant kid results in us doing for them what they can do for themselves. It takes two minutes for us to set the table but 10 to guide children through each step of the process. So as you teach your child life-skills or tasks, plan enough time to show them the steps and to watch them practice. 
3) Pick the right time.

While kids are capable of learning many things, right after a tough day at school is not the time to decide to teach them to clear out the sticky remainders of their lunch-box. You’ll get best results if your child is in the right frame of mind to experiment and learn. 
4) Make it fun.
We can’t fool kids that chores are going to be as entertaining as the latest video game. But we can still model having fun while getting things done. Make fun conversation; be silly; make some tasks into games or puzzles. Also, your own behavior will model which tasks are fun and which are not. If you don’t make a big deal out of doing something, your kids will be less likely too as well. 
5) Notice and praise.
You don’t have to be extravagant in your praise, but acknowledge your child’s achievement. Concrete observations are better than generic praise. For example, a comment like “I noticed you remembered to set every part of the table, including the spoons” is more helpful than “Great job!” 
6) Be patient, expect to repeat instructions.
We can expect our children to master new tasks, but we’ll have to provide repeat instructions and encouragement. If you persist, your kids will see you really do believe in their ability to do this for themselves and you really expect them to do it. 
Each small task your child masters will give them the confidence to take on larger challenges. What’s important is not where we’re at but in which direction we’re moving. 

Patti Skelton-McGougan is executive director of Youth Eastside Services. Since 1968, YES has been a lifeline for kids and families, offering counseling, outreach and prevention programs to help foster strong family relationships and a safe community. For more information, call 425-747-4937 or go to www.youtheastsideservices.org.