Of all the human features perhaps none catches the eye more than, well, the eye. And when there happens to be two of them, the intrigue is instantly doubled. After all, as Dickens once wrote of a character: “He had but one eye, and the popular prejudice runs in favor of two.”
Experts say that a person’s eyes are a greater romantic attractant than personality. In layman’s terms it means that you can be a real drip, as long as your eyes don’t.
Dracula may have been a bit on the weird side – what with his cape and coffin routine – but his peepers were tough to resist: “Look deep, deep into my eyes,” he would say in that vaguely Gabor-like accent of his. Within moments his victim would be down a couple of quarts.
When you think about it, the eyes might be the only part of the human body that a person can stare at without being considered rude. Even then, there are limits. When looking turns to gaping – and then to ogling – you can quickly cross from “making good eye contact” to “you’re starting to creep me out.”
Some people say that a good way to reduce the actual time spent staring at someone’s eyes is to look at the bridge of their nose. To the other person, it will appear that you’re still making eye contact. Except in the case of my Uncle Don, whose nose was located nowhere near his eyes.
When it comes to our baby blues, we humans have got nothing on the other creatures of this planet. Some animals have eyes that enable them to see around corners. Some have eyes on the ends of their arms. And, get this: Some worms have eyes all over their bodies. Think how awkward dating must be.
Some fish have eyes that can move away from each other, so that one eye can migrate to the opposite side of their head. I think my sixth grade teacher could do that, too.
Last week a man gaining international fame made a stop in Portland. He’s known as Braco (Braht-zoh) and is said to be a healer from Croatia. For eight dollars a person at the airport Sheraton, Braco walked out, stood on a small stage and simply “gazed” at the attendees.
That was it. No juggling. No card tricks. No shadow puppets. Not even a Power Point presentation. He just gazed.
It’s said that Braco hasn’t spoken in public for eight years – and he’s never called himself a healer. Yet people are coming by the thousands to get into a room with him. That’s some amazin’ gazin’.
Getting back to run-of-the-mill gazers, I once read that if you look down, it may be seen by the other person as a sign of submission. It maybe also be seen as a sign of an foot fetish.
A college acquaintance of mine had the disconcerting habit of always looking just over the top of my head when meeting me – and holding that stare. I’m not sure what it meant. Perhaps he was expecting a taller person.
I once wrote a TV sketch about a pair of guys who decided to challenge each other to a staring contest. Hours pass. Then days. The duo never sleeps. They just keep staring, daring each other to blink or look away.
Seasons change. Years go by. The contest continues.
One guy gets married, but stares at his opponent throughout the ceremony. Later, during the honeymoon night, the new bride says (while lighting up a cigarette), “You were great, Joe.” Then the camera pulls back to show that the other guy is also in bed with them – still staring, but acknowledging, “That WAS very impressive, Joe.”
The sketch ends with the frustrated bride saying, “OK, I’ve had enough of you two and this stupid contest.” As she slams the door, a picture falls off the wall and crashes to the floor, causing both of the guys to look toward the sound – suddenly bringing their staring showdown to a no-win finale.
Endings are always the hardest part to write.
Pat Cashman can be reached at pat@patcashman.com.
