All parents want success for their children and all children (though they may not always show it) want to succeed. But how do you define success?
To the high achiever, success may mean nothing less than a perfect 4.0 grade-point-average, scores of 750 to 800 on the SAT, as many activities as will fit into a 16-hour day and acceptance by an Ivy League university. There’s nothing wrong having high expectations but parents might want to ask themselves – are these mine or my child’s goals?
If it’s always been your daughter’s dream to get into Yale or be a violin virtuoso on the world stage – great. Parents can and should take a supporting role. But if it’s really your goal, then it might be time to switch drivers.
Granted this can be easier said that done. From the time your daughter could walk, you’ve been heavily invested in her success. But now that she’s a teenager, she wants to call the shots. About age 13 or 14, kids will either take ownership of a serious interest or activity or want to opt out, says Lori Homes, a parent educator at Youth Eastside Services (YES). If your child wants to give up a pursuit because he wants to do something else, that’s a valid choice. If he wants to quit because the activity is getting too hard or challenging, that’s when you can step in to help get him through what is probably a rough patch. Should that rough patch turn into a long, rough road, your son may be under too much stress and need help figuring out his priorities – like sleep. Nine hours a night is optimal for teenagers’ growing bodies and developing brains but most get less. Do the math – if you take away sleep (8 to 9 hours), school (6 to 7 hours), and homework (1 to 2 hours), that leaves six to nine hours for everything else, including eating, activities, socializing, TV and downtime. Don’t forget downtime. Realistically, says Lori, teens can do one major activity – a sport, a club or a part-time job each academic quarter without overextending themselves. The most obvious signs of a maxed out kid include sleep deprivation, poor eating habits, reliance on coffee or caffeine drinks and moodiness and anger. Some will try to escape the rat race with drugs and alcohol and other risky behaviors. So what can we do as parents? We can start by setting a good example. If we’re not getting enough sleep and exercise and wolfing down food on the fly, then we can’t expect our kids to learn the opposite. Make time for fun and family and sit-down meals together. We can also promote a healthy, balanced life by providing nutritious snacks and keeping sleep-robbing televisions and computers out of kids’ rooms. One parent I know takes her daughter’s cell phone each evening to remove the temptation for all-night texting. You can’t reschedule teens’ lives, nor should you try, but you can partner with them, gently teaching them time-management skills and the perils of procrastination. Let them take responsibility for getting their work done on time, but give them help and support if they need it. Finally, set realistic expectations for your child that play to his or her strengths, interests and goals. Between high school and Harvard are multiple roads to success.
Patti Skelton-McGougan is executive director of Youth Eastside Services. Since 1968, YES has been a lifeline for kids and families, offering counseling, outreach and prevention programs to help foster strong family relationships and a safe community. For more information, call 425-747-4937 or go to www.youtheastsideservices.org.
