My brain has an automatic shut-off switch when I hear the phrase “all you have to do is.” In my experience, nothing is so simple or uncomplicated that it can be summed up in a trite saying or proverb.

But then I began to think about marriage. It’s never easy to nourish a marriage. It takes attention and work and selflessness.

From what I’ve observed, it’s relatively simple to kill a marriage without the messiness of an affair, self-destructive behavior, or illegal and immoral involvement. All you have to do is make sure that you treat your spouse like a child. Never let them make decisions about the family or themselves, and if they ever get a chance to use their own judgment, point out anything that could have been done better.

Don’t be nice about it, either, and don’t forget to tell all the friends and relatives about mistakes. Oh, and give them tons of advice about how they can do their job.

To kill your marriage, all you have to do is criticize, criticize, criticize. It’s even more effective if you do it through your children.

“Daddy doesn’t do the dishes, does he?”

“Mommy spends lots of money that we don’t have, doesn’t she?”

Don’t restrict criticism to your spouse, either. It’s great to find fault with all their relatives, and drag your feet about getting together with them.

In order to keep your spouse humble, all you have to do is withhold praise and appreciation. Along those lines, once you are married you no longer have to worry about your appearance. However, you have every right to point out their fashion missteps. Imply that you are embarrassed to be seen with them.

Also, don’t indulge them with sympathy if they are sick or unhappy. Mocking takes practice, but to deliver the full impact, all you have to do is practice eye-rolling and well-timed sighs.

And no matter what you do, make sure they can’t forget their failures or the ways they have disappointed you. Bring them up often in conversation.

And never, ever tell them that you appreciate what they do for you. You wouldn’t want to encourage contentment, lest it lead to complacency.

Don’t laugh. Don’t laugh at their jokes; never have private jokes. Don’t indulge in affection for no reason.

Watch out for joy creeping into your relationship. It can ruin everything all your best efforts.

And while you’re at it, make it impossible for them to have friendships, or to spend time with anyone but you.

That ought to do it. I can guarantee that these things will work. All you have to do is look around you, or turn on the television.

Patty Luzzi has lived on the Eastside for 31 years. Readers can contact her at pattyluzzi@yahoo.com.