Celebrating the 40th anniversary of the moon landing recently got me thinking how much sending our kids off to college, the service or wherever they might be going is a lot like a launch into space.
In both cases, we’re sending people off to a grand adventure with a great deal of anxiety by those being launched as well as those doing the launching. Our kids aren’t going a quarter of a million miles away and they don’t have to worry about having enough oxygen to breathe or whether their rocket will get them back to earth. But leaving home is a significant life step for both you and your child and like all such steps, knowing what to expect and doing the right things can help make that step easier, more meaningful and richer for both of you.
Preparing early is always best. If you know your child will be leaving home for college, start teaching them to be more independent in their junior year. Let them learn how to budget, balance a checkbook and even do the laundry so having to do those kind of things won’t be such a shock.
If you can, visit colleges before they go off. It helps everyone adjust and see what’s coming. It also gives you time alone with your child to talk and enjoy each other’s company. It’s also helpful if you can visit campus in their first year so you can see your child in their new environment and with their new friends. It will give you a much better sense of their new life.
Preparing early applies to you, too. If your nest is going to be empty, start thinking now about things you can and want to do to fill that emptiness. That could be work, volunteering, travel or pursuing those interests you’ve always wanted to. But take your time and don’t rush into anything right away.
Leaving home is big. The summer before they leave, kids will have a lot of anxiety, but often won’t show it. They’ll distance themselves from you at the very time you want closeness. You’ll have your own anxiety.
With so much anxiety, little things can turn to big blow-ups. Be aware how anxious the two of you are and feel free to express both your joy and sadness. You’ll feel better, you’ll be better able to be there for your child and you’ll be modeling good emotional behavior which is one of the best things you can do for your kid.
If other children will still be at home, be aware of the impact on them. The one left might suddenly be getting all the attention which could be more than they’re use to getting and having.
Empower your child to make their own decisions. As tempting and familiar as it may be, don’t make their decisions for them. They’re more apt to ask for your advice when you don’t. And let them make bad choices. That’s how they learn. That’s how we all learn.
Moving away from home and into the world is a big adventure. Just remember it’s their adventure. Don’t see it as them living your life again or the life you didn’t have. Their leaving home is providing you with your own adventure. Be open and kind to yourself and you’ll be amazed how good it can be.
Patti Skelton-McGougan is executive director of Youth Eastside Services. Since 1968, YES has been a lifeline for kids and families, offering counseling, outreach and prevention programs to help foster strong family relationships and a safe community. For more information, call 425-747-4937 or go to www.youtheastsideservices.org.
