Earlier this year my column provided ways to help children and teens through the grieving process, in response to several deaths of young people in local schools. Unfortunately, a number of additional deaths in recent weeks makes it important to revisit the topic.
First and foremost, our healthy reactions as parents are crucial elements in children’s ability to find peace. One common response is urging children to feel better right away, in part because their emotions are difficult for us to tolerate.
At times when the news about a student’s death pervades a school community, it’s a natural reaction to try to protect children from it. “The fact is, children need to experience this pain, and to go through it in their own way and in their own time,” says Youth & Family Therapist Rick Monce at Youth Eastside Services. “We as the adults in their lives need to provide them a safe place to feel their sorrow.
“Refrain from saying, ‘Don’t feel bad,’ ‘It’ll get better, ‘Stop crying; move on,’” Rick adds. “These phrases will only serve to invalidate their feelings and lead them to believe they cannot be vulnerable with you.”
To help your children move through their pain, allow them to see yours. But be genuine in your attempt to be empathetic. Teens especially have a keen sense of when they’re being patronized.
Start the dialogue about what’s happened. Whether you know the family involved or simply are affected by the news of a tragedy happening so close to home, be proactive by sharing how the death has affected you and how you’re dealing with it. Start with, “This is how I feel about this …” to demonstrate the kinds of emotions that exist. Follow up with, “Do you feel this way?” This gives children the opportunity to “try on” what you’re going through and discover what is true for them. Whatever the answer, the follow-on line, “Tell me more…” can keep the ball rolling.
Understand that regardless of your attempts to get a child to open up, he or she still may not be comfortable with this level of intimacy with you. Don’t take it personally. Give them opportunities to have conversations with others: members of extended family they feel close to, family friends, neighbors, peers and teachers. If you perceive that there is more going on than you can handle, offer the option to meet with a counselor.
If your child was close to the student who passed away, talk about ways to keep her or him alive as time goes on. Provide ways to honor the friend, such as creating a scrapbook, visiting a place they enjoyed together, or volunteering for something the friend was passionate about.
Remember to do this on special occasions, too, not just after the funeral. The anniversary of the death, especially the first year, is a good time to say, “What shall we do to celebrate your friend’s life?”
Be cautious of scheduling your child for additional extracurricular activities so they will be too busy to dwell on the death. While baseball, drama class and the debate team are all healthy pursuits, being overly committed only puts grief on the shelf and delays healing.
The grieving process, however difficult, is a good opportunity for you to create connection with your children. Your help with a compassionate navigation of your son’s or daughter’s feelings will go a long way in strengthening relationship for a lifetime.
Patti Skelton-McGougan is executive director of Youth Eastside Services. For more information, call 425-747-4937 or go to www.youtheastsideservices.org.
