When Noah was getting ready to push off with his ark, the story goes, God told him to gather all the animals of the world “two by two.” That was a delicate way of saying that he was supposed to locate both a male and female version of each animal so that there would eventually be baby animals to ensure the continuation of each species.
When I was a kid, my dad told me that when it came to rounding up slugs, Noah only needed to bring one aboard.
“Why was that?” I asked. “Because a slug is an hermaphrodite,” dad explained, adding that they can mate with themselves.
That is probably a good thing. They are so slow that if they had to go through the normal courtship process – going on dates, making out, foreplay – the species would have become extinct a million years ago.
They’re probably not very smart, either. After all, they choose to live in an area that is extremely hostile to their survival.
Master gardeners say that salt, caffeine, wine and beer are all fatal to slugs. Yet where do slugs choose to hang out? Why, right here in the land of sodium-laden restaurants (including one actually called “Salty’s”), coffee places, wineries and breweries. Let’s face it, slugs are just asking for it.
I tuned in a talk show recently where a woman slug expert was the guest. “True, slugs can be quite destructive in the garden,” she admitted. “But I think they are fascinating creatures. The way slugs are able to travel,” continued the expert, “is by gliding on the slime that their bodies produce. It is quite unique in nature.”
Again, it’s a good thing they don’t need to date.
“Plus,” she added, “slugs can stretch up to 20 times their normal lengths, enabling them to squeeze through tiny openings in order to get at their food.” Sorry, ma’am, but none of that sounds all that appealing – although it would be kind of handy to squeeze through a keyhole if you accidentally got locked out of the house.
Unlike their cousins, the snails, slugs aren’t even good to eat. In fact, the Medical Journal of Australia recently issued a warning to the citizens down under not to eat slugs. Doctors say that some slugs carry a worm that can make people ill.
Around here, the experts say that it is actually OK to eat banana slugs, assuming they are worm-free. Banana slugs are those really big ones with the Chiquita sticker on the side.
Incidentally, the official name for the banana slug is Ariolimax columbianus – which is the sound a human makes trying to choke one down.
So if slugs aren’t good food, maybe they’d make nice pets, especially for people allergic to dog and cat fur, but not slime. In fact, maybe a slug could actually be taught to come when called.
Then again, who could wait that long?
