Happiness is the interval between periods of unhappiness. – Don Marquis

The only really happy folks are married women and single men.

– H. L. Mencken

Uh-oh! I’m getting happy feet!

– Steve Martin

Happiness is something like Justice Potter Stewart’s famous definition of pornography: “I know it when I see it.” Happiness, on the other hand, is something you’ll know when you have it.

But how do you get it?

In my dad’s day, he seemed to know a number of people with nicknames – and they were often nicknames that connoted the exact opposite of who the person really was. There were bald-headed guys named Curly. Gigantic fellows named Tiny. Slow-footed chaps named Speedy.

And at least one mirthless dude named Happy.

Happy looked like he had chronic gas. Perhaps he did. Maybe a container of Beano would have changed his demeanor forever.

Or perhaps he had a bad case of lice. Crabs for the crabby.

Happy seemed to look at the world through jaundice-colored glasses.

But maybe the problem was that he just chose to live in the wrong town. There are those who believe that living in the right place can lead to happy feet. But finding the right place can be an unhappy feat.

Which brings us to yet another of those influential “new surveys.” (That is, influential in the way that the TV show, Jersey Shore, is to enrollment in the Mensa Society.)

A website named “Care2 Make a Difference” – devoted to healthy and green living – came out with the results last week of the “10 Happiest Cities in America.” (I’ll save you the suspense:

Bellevue wasn’t one of them. Not even Medina.)

Happiest city? Washington, D.C. That’s right. The place with one of the nation’s highest crime rates, stink-o sports teams, ninth worst traffic in the nation, hot and humid summers – and a gridlocked Congress. Sounds like a locale tailor-made for merriment.

Actually the nation’s capital got its high ranking for “physical health and life evaluation.” Whatever that means. Perhaps we need a D.C. government study to find out.

Cities were ranked on things like “healthy environment, general health, healthy mind, healthy neighborhood, healthy schools” and so on. There was no mention of “healthy places to smoke or go tanning.”

Also not considered were other important factors such as the number of coffee stands, teriyaki places and casinos per linear foot.

Coincidentally, an outfit called Sustainable Seattle, recently put out a survey asking people “What makes you happy?” I decided to participate.

The questions on the survey – multiple choice – went on for so long, that even though I was fairly happy at the outset, I was in an ill temper by the time I finished it.

It occurred to me that a simpler, shorter group of questions might be more revealing in determining one’s happiness:

If you hit your thumb with a hammer, do you:

Laugh at your clumsiness.

Cheerfully note how lucky you were that it wasn’t an ax.

Began shouting words never before published in this newspaper.

When your neighbor’s Chihuahua does its duty in your yard, do you:

Smile and say, “Well, that’s a dog for you.”

Cheerfully note how lucky you are that it wasn’t a St. Bernard.

Grab a shovel and hurl the matter onto your neighbor’s front porch.

When your boss informs you that you’re being terminated,do you:

Chuckle and reply in your best Schwarzenegger accent,

“Did you say ‘Terminator?’Hasta la vista, baby!”

Grin broadly and say, “Well, the good news is you’ve

still got your job!”

On your way through the parking lot, let the air out of

all of your boss’s tires.

If you answered ‘C’ to all of the above questions, you may not be happy, but you’re quite normal.